Someone hands you a drink you didn't ask for. Someone else notices you didn't take it. And then comes the question, in the same tone people use to ask if you're feeling okay.
You're not drinking?
Here is the thing nobody tells you: you are not required to have an answer. But it helps to have one ready, because the question is coming whether you've prepared for it or not.
The question isn't really a question
Nine times out of ten, "why aren't you drinking?" isn't curiosity. It's a small social adjustment being made out loud. The room had a shape, you changed it slightly, and someone is checking whether that means something about them.
Which is why the long answer never works. Explain that you're taking a break and you've started a conversation about your health. Explain that you're driving and you've made it logistics. Explain that you're just not in the mood and — strangely — that one usually lands, because it's the only answer that doesn't hand over any information.
Not every choice deserves an explanation. Most of them barely deserve a sentence.
Nine things you can actually say
Ranked roughly from most boring to most enjoyable. Boring is underrated.
- "I'm good, thanks." Complete sentence. Complete answer. Say it and change the subject.
- "Not tonight." Implies nothing about any other night, which is nobody's business either.
- "I've got something." Hold up whatever is in your hand. People are mostly checking that you have a drink, not the drink.
- "I'm driving." Airtight, universally accepted, and slightly annoying because it works so well.
- "Early start." Nobody has ever followed this up.
- "I like remembering things." Light, funny, ends the topic.
- "I'm pacing myself." Technically true at any pace, including zero.
- "Ask me in an hour." Buys time, commits to nothing, and by then they'll have forgotten.
- "No reason." The strongest one on the list, and the hardest to say. Most people will accept it instantly. The ones who don't have told you something about themselves.
What not to do
Don't over-explain
The length of your answer sets the size of the topic. A nine-word reason invites nine follow-up questions. "I'm good" invites none.
Don't apologise
"Sorry, I'm not drinking tonight" concedes that something needs forgiving. Nothing does. Drop the sorry and the sentence gets shorter and better.
Don't make it a position
The fastest way to make a room uncomfortable is to announce that you've stopped drinking and why everyone else should think about it. You didn't come to give a talk. Choosing something for yourself stops being a choice the moment it becomes an argument.
Don't wait to be handed something
Arrive with a drink in your hand and the question mostly doesn't get asked. Not because you're hiding anything — because there's nothing to notice.
The awkwardness is real, and it's temporary
The first few times are genuinely uncomfortable. Then a strange thing happens: people stop asking. Not because they've come round to your reasoning, but because it stops being new. You become the person who doesn't drink much, filed away next to the person who doesn't eat coriander.
Somewhere in there you'll notice you've stopped rehearsing the answer. None of which requires anything in your hand, incidentally — but "what are you having?" is a question that deserves more than two answers, and that's roughly where Differ* came from. Something you'd actually want to be holding, on the nights you're not drinking and on the nights you are.
Different moods. Same person.
This is a piece about what to say at parties, not health advice. If your relationship with alcohol is worrying you, talk to someone qualified — we make drinks, we're not a clinic.